Behavioral seizures?

So I haven't written in a few days, mostly because things have been so hard that I can't bear to write about them. I've been reading the book The Bipolar Child by Dimitri Papolos and Janice Papolos and that has helped enormously. There is one part where they talk about a mother referring to her child's rages as "behavioral seizures" and I thought it was a good way of thinking about it. I read the section to my husband and I am repeating it to myself frequently throughout the day - she is mentally ill, she has a disease/disorder, this is not her fault, she is not doing this on purpose, it can't be helped right now, we are doing everything we can, don't react emotionally, hang in there, hang in there. It's hard. Especially when she tells me she is going to die because she can't have something or can't do something. And when she's trying to beat me as hard as she can. I know if I let her, she'd probably beat me to a pulp. It's not easy to stay calm and not respond emotionally.

I miss my daughter. I can't find her most of the time. She's in there, somewhere. I catch glimpses of her throughout the day. I wish this medication would start working soon. I'm scared that my family is ruined now and that her poor brother will be so traumatized by her that he will get the hell out of this house as soon as he is able. I love that little boy and I don't want him to be hurt. This just sucks.

I reached out to our county mental health department and as soon as they heard that we had insurance, they tried to blow me off. I almost started to cry and begged them for help, anything, resources, whatever. Finally they suggested I contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Here is a link: http://www.nami.org/
Thankfully they have a chapter in my city. When I called their warm line, I had to leave a voice mail, but the director got back to me fairly quickly. His first response was to question me about how she was diagnosed and then to tell me he had never heard of a child that young being diagnosed. I totally get that he was truly trying to help, but it's another reminder and confirmation of just how alone we are in this struggle. The director of a local chapter of a national organization devoted to helping people with mental illnesses has never heard of such a little kid being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Of course, it immediately makes me wonder if that is what is going on. Maybe he's right and she's not bipolar and now I'm drugging my kid inappropriately and letting her run our lives. Yay! Another way I have fucked up as a parent!

Truly, though, after reading some of The Bipolar Child and reading lots online and other books, I'm pretty sure this is her. There are a few things that don't match exactly, but the information is clear that what they describe is "most" kids and she won't have every single symptom.

DD's friend from her now former preschool lives down the street from us and stopped by on a walk to say hi. DD was so excited to see her! The mom said something that they hadn't seen DD for awhile and I casually said that we were changing preschools because DD had been having a rough time. The mom smiled, nodded and said "Yes" so I know her kid ran home and told her that DD was hurting other kids and had to go home or something of the sort. I worry that DD hurt this kid, but I guess if it was a serious problem, they wouldn't have stopped by. We're going to her bday party on Saturday, so I have to figure out what to say to the other parents when they ask why DD hasn't been at school or why she's not there anymore. Sigh. I guess I answered my own question and I'll just say that it wasn't working for DD anymore and we opted to place her elsewhere.

Today really was a better day. I kept DD busy, busy, busy. She didn't have much time to have rages because we had lots to do today. Tomorrow will be another round of how can I keep her busy while still maintaining my sanity. At least I have an acupuncture appointment that my MIL is helping me get to by hanging out at the house with DH. Wish me luck!