Up and down and all around

Still can't tell which kid I'm going to interact with from moment to moment. She's definitely less violent and aggressive - yay for Lamictal - so I'm just going to be grateful for that at the moment. She's more into starting trouble for trouble's sake, which I'm thinking might be more "normal" five-year old behavior. Of course, it's on a grander scale because drama is very exciting to her, so we ended up with a painting fiasco that involved her brother, our deck, nearly my whole body, and a lot of ruined paint. No more painting for awhile.

I'm not feeling as weird as I was on Celexa. Still doing just a half dose because I'm still not sleeping well (DS has been up a lot) and it's making me extra tired. Sigh. I guess the drugs are helping me to accept this crappy lot in life and not be as upset about it. I haven't been crying uncontrollably since I started taking it, so I guess that helps. I'm kind of mad about it, though. There is so little support for parents/family of kids with mental disorders that we're having to take medication to make up for that fact. What a sorry world this is.

Cautiously optimistic... again

Since my last post there have been some serious improvements. She's been able to stop herself from going into a full rage, which is really awesome. She snapped at me, "NOOOOO!" this afternoon when I asked if she wanted something to eat and then quickly said, "I mean, no, thank you." Wow!!! I almost cried.

The other development is that I've started an anti-depressant medication. I just can't handle the anxiety and the ups and downs. I'm hoping that she stabilizes and I can go off of it sooner rather than later, but until that time, I think I need something to help me survive. Once she stabilizes, I'll probably suffer from PTSD, so the meds will see me through that.

I'm hopeful!

Could it be something else?

I find myself wondering if there isn't something else wrong with my child. She actually seems to be getting worse the higher the dose of Lamictal we give her. Now I'm scared that it won't work and we will be trying to wean her off Abilify and Lamictal and then try something else while she's trying to start kindergarten. I just wish I could communicate with her and tell her how much I love her and that I am trying my best to help her get stable.

In the meantime, I will be starting Celexa, because I can no longer handle this terrible blow life has given me. There is no respite care, no support, no nothing, so I will be drugging myself in an effort to fool my brain into thinking this isn't really as bad as it is so that I can continue functioning and taking care of my family. Mental Illness sucks.

Work/Life balance? Impossible!!!

In trying to do the right thing for my daughter (working part time to be more available for her), I've hit a roadblock. Long story short, my vice-principal is happy to accommodate me coming in later in the morning, but unless I convince another department member to come back and work full time to take one section in the afternoon, I can't pick my kiddo up from school to save her the stress of dealing with after-school care. UGH! I hate this! My husband and I are both well-educated in employable fields (me, teaching; him, economics and computer technology), but we don't make enough money for one of us to stop working to take care of our daughter. We didn't know when we decided to have kids that we were going to have a special-needs child. In fact, we checked to see if either of our children were going to have any genetic problems before they were born. Trouble is, mental illness doesn't show up on those tests. We got married, made sure our relationship was strong and solid and made sure we were doing okay financially before we made the leap into parenthood. We live in a crappy world where big corporations are allowed to ruin our economy and then get bailed out while the rest of us who try to be responsible are screwed. How can I choose between my child's health and a roof over our heads???

Long time, no write

Has it really been ten days since I last posted something? That doesn't seem possible. We've been on a roller coaster - some good things, some bad - nothing consistent. I think I went back to work too soon. DD has been having a harder time since she started going to preschool full days. I think she misses me, although she clearly likes her school and her teachers clearly like her.

The second day I dropped her off for a full day, the teacher stopped me and told me that she had seen DD's diagnosis and that she wanted to tell me that her daughter also has bipolar disorder. She said that she'd be happy to talk to me anytime. I haven't followed up with her yet, mostly because I'm just barely hanging on, but I intend to get her phone number. It's funny that I was worried about sending her to a school that's far away from our home (it's in the next town), but it turns out that all the time we have driving back and forth isn't so bad. She isn't talking to me as much as she was when we had more time together, which reinforces my thinking that I went back to work too soon, but I also know that once I have her brother settled at his new daycare, I will have more time for her and we can get back into a better routine for her.

We are finding ways of helping her more at home, even though things are still pretty rough with her. We've started taking her out for a walk or a bike ride after dinner. She gets exercise, fresh air, and some undivided attention, although when she comes home to head off to bed she's not always easy to deal with. I wonder if she's overtired? She gets this burst of energy right after dinner and I figure it's better for her to get rid of it outside where she can run around instead of inside where she beats on us and the cat.

The good news? I sent in a request for assessment to the school district and I got two phone calls back - one from the head of special services and one from DD's school psychologist. I got to talk to the psychologist for at least twenty minutes today - she was so great! She totally listened and told me how glad she was that we were letting the school know about the bipolar diagnosis right away and that they would begin the assessment process after school starts in August. Then, I went to meet with her principal, who is FABULOUS! She wants to set up a meeting before school starts with DD's teacher and us so that DD can meet her teacher and so that we can talk to the teacher and let her know what our concerns are. Then, she asks if she can give me a hug to welcome me to the school family! OMG - she is so awesome!

I'm hoping to get some sleep tonight, because I can't remember the last time I slept a whole night. DS has been teething (he's 2 1/2) and super cranky because his lovely home daycare is closing (she's moving because her husband was transferred) and because his sister has been so difficult. If I don't start getting more sleep, I think I'm just going to have to break down and get started on anti-anxiety meds. I am already an anxious person, but now I just can't shut my brain off enough to fall asleep and as soon as I do, DS is crying for me. UGH!

Two steps forward, five backwards

My last post was titled "Cautiously Optimistic" and with good reason. What a hard weekend and what a rough Monday. I got the crap beat out of me this afternoon over who knows what. My poor DH is exhausted from work and comes home to chaos and then he starts yelling and I just want to crawl in a hole. Now I'm worried that my work won't pay for my leave of absence because someone decided I was trying to get away with something and sent an email to the whole world. I hope it can be fixed, otherwise we're up shit creek without a paddle and possibly no boat.

I just don't know how to parent my daughter. What do you do with a kid who is punching and kicking you one moment and then crying and telling you that there is a war in her head the next?

Cautiously optimistic...

Better day today. We made it through two half days at the new preschool - she did really well both days. She told her teacher she really missed her mommy at one point, but seemed to bounce back. When we got in the car, she told me she really wanted to go for a full day next week. Yippee! She seemed very happy. We had one rage today and I just told her I was going to have to stop her because hitting me and throwing things at me was just not okay. I held her in a safe restraint-type hold until she stopped trying to beat the shit out of me. As soon as she'd calm down, I'd let her go and when she came after me again, I held her again, softly kissing her head and telling her I loved her. Eventually she snuggled up on my lap and asked for something to eat and we were done.

Tonight is the first night in I don't know how long that there wasn't a crazy rage before bedtime. Yahoo! We increased the dose of her mood stabilizer yesterday and I'm hoping that's starting to have an effect. Unfortunately, she had nightmares several times last night. You take the good, you take the bad...