Up and down and all around

Still can't tell which kid I'm going to interact with from moment to moment. She's definitely less violent and aggressive - yay for Lamictal - so I'm just going to be grateful for that at the moment. She's more into starting trouble for trouble's sake, which I'm thinking might be more "normal" five-year old behavior. Of course, it's on a grander scale because drama is very exciting to her, so we ended up with a painting fiasco that involved her brother, our deck, nearly my whole body, and a lot of ruined paint. No more painting for awhile.

I'm not feeling as weird as I was on Celexa. Still doing just a half dose because I'm still not sleeping well (DS has been up a lot) and it's making me extra tired. Sigh. I guess the drugs are helping me to accept this crappy lot in life and not be as upset about it. I haven't been crying uncontrollably since I started taking it, so I guess that helps. I'm kind of mad about it, though. There is so little support for parents/family of kids with mental disorders that we're having to take medication to make up for that fact. What a sorry world this is.

Cautiously optimistic... again

Since my last post there have been some serious improvements. She's been able to stop herself from going into a full rage, which is really awesome. She snapped at me, "NOOOOO!" this afternoon when I asked if she wanted something to eat and then quickly said, "I mean, no, thank you." Wow!!! I almost cried.

The other development is that I've started an anti-depressant medication. I just can't handle the anxiety and the ups and downs. I'm hoping that she stabilizes and I can go off of it sooner rather than later, but until that time, I think I need something to help me survive. Once she stabilizes, I'll probably suffer from PTSD, so the meds will see me through that.

I'm hopeful!

Could it be something else?

I find myself wondering if there isn't something else wrong with my child. She actually seems to be getting worse the higher the dose of Lamictal we give her. Now I'm scared that it won't work and we will be trying to wean her off Abilify and Lamictal and then try something else while she's trying to start kindergarten. I just wish I could communicate with her and tell her how much I love her and that I am trying my best to help her get stable.

In the meantime, I will be starting Celexa, because I can no longer handle this terrible blow life has given me. There is no respite care, no support, no nothing, so I will be drugging myself in an effort to fool my brain into thinking this isn't really as bad as it is so that I can continue functioning and taking care of my family. Mental Illness sucks.

Work/Life balance? Impossible!!!

In trying to do the right thing for my daughter (working part time to be more available for her), I've hit a roadblock. Long story short, my vice-principal is happy to accommodate me coming in later in the morning, but unless I convince another department member to come back and work full time to take one section in the afternoon, I can't pick my kiddo up from school to save her the stress of dealing with after-school care. UGH! I hate this! My husband and I are both well-educated in employable fields (me, teaching; him, economics and computer technology), but we don't make enough money for one of us to stop working to take care of our daughter. We didn't know when we decided to have kids that we were going to have a special-needs child. In fact, we checked to see if either of our children were going to have any genetic problems before they were born. Trouble is, mental illness doesn't show up on those tests. We got married, made sure our relationship was strong and solid and made sure we were doing okay financially before we made the leap into parenthood. We live in a crappy world where big corporations are allowed to ruin our economy and then get bailed out while the rest of us who try to be responsible are screwed. How can I choose between my child's health and a roof over our heads???